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Salsa Characters

I’ve been dancing long enough to start a list. That’s right, a list of salsa characters. This list will only continue to grow. Note that this is man-list. I am sure some of you can come up with an equivalent list of female salsa characters. But let’s start here. If I could come up with some cards of these characters like my Marvel Universe 1st edition ones, I would.

Narcissus: Let’s start with you, Narcissus, as you’re so easy to spot. You are the not-salsero who asks a girl to dance, but spends the entire time watching yourself dance in the mirror. You are fond of the side-step because it allows you to position yourself at an angle where your dance partner doesn’t obstruct your view of yourself in the looking glass. When you do remember you have a dance partner, it is only for a moment, because you adjust the girl’s grip on you as a queen would rearrange a diamond bracelet so that it better highlights her wrist.

Predator: As vulgar as the one in the movie, you don’t salsa to dance. You salsa to get a quick feel and three minutes of hand-holding. Your favorite target are the beginners, not so much because they are your choice; the more advanced girls don’t have to dance with you anymore. And besides, those girls already got your predator number. You come in all shapes, sizes, ethnicities, and ages. Guys, it’s less frustrating on all of us to just drop the money on a good lap dance at Hustler. They have a taxi stand right outside their doors to take you home when you’re done.

Frog to Prince Charming: Oh, you’re a delight! You are the guys whom most would least expect to be great dancers. Either because you’re no Fabio in your outer shell, you emit a rhythmless vibe off the dance floor, or you’re straight out of Revenge of the Nerds. When the clave sings, POOF! You bedazzle us with the smoothest moves, showing us, indeed, there is such thing as Clark Kent and Superman.

Romeo Don Juan: Ahh… you are dangerous. You have a mix of moves, sultry eyes, a sexy smile and good looks. Dancing with you is not just a dancing pleasure… it’s a woman’s fantasy. Your dancing plays a narrative in our minds. Don’t burst our bubble by opening your mouth or telling us of life off the dance floor. Keep counting with us, and next time, can you wear an all white linen suit and straw hat?

Fred Astaire: These are the salseros who are just outright dancing demons. Fred Astaires: All other categories you may fall under melt away because your dancing is that good. That’s what we think about during and after the dance. Fred Astaires can also be Frogs and (a very deadly combo) Romeo Don Juans.

Zorro: Who was that masked man? That’s what you’ll ask yourself if you should find yourself dancing with a mystery man who wow’s you during one dance (or evening of dancing), whom you never see again. You can spend the rest of your life going from social to social, wondering if you’ll ever see him again. He leaves you only with memories.

Rag Doll Boogier: These guys are pretty annoying. They are the ones that are just plain rough and uncouth. They throw you around the dance floor left and right, almost dislocating your arm from its socket. They are not gentle in any way, and forget that the woman should be the highlight of most of the dance. See also Predator, Topsy-Turvy, Borracho and Have no Rhythm-Don’t Count-Don’t Care.

Topsy-Turvey: These are the spinners! Most of the time these are the guys that like to spin YOU, and nothing more. Take a Dramamine, ladies, before taking their hands. Rarely though you’ll get ones that like to spin themselves mostly. In this case, brush up on some shines and women’s styling so you have something to do while they’re into the fourth triple turn.

Borracho: The drunk. You are almost automatically dismissed from most ladies’ dances, except when you mask it until it’s too late (for us). You are dangerous because like an octopus with many arms, in each move you have us do, you can be so many other characters. See Predator, Topsy-Turvy, Rag Doll Boogier, and Have No Rhythm-Don’t Count-Don’t Care. Being tipsy is fine. It’s just flat out dangerous to be drunk and salsa-ing. 

I Really Despise Women, and That I’m Not a Woman: Just pretend while we dance.

Have No Rhythm, Don’t Count, Don’t Care: You best get off the social dance floor too. You can do your thing at parties and family events, and maybe even clubs. But don’t ask a real salsera to dance with you! I’m all for inventing your own salsa dancing if it is in synch with the music. Maybe you’re the next Eddie Torres for your own count. In this case, clarify this first with your dance partner (or at least make an attempt to work with her own feel of the music).  But don’t feel shuffling here and there constitutes salsa at salsa events with serious dancers. 

That’s it for now. Let’s expand this list and make SAT cards out of them… who’s first to add to this list?

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