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And the list keeps growing… more salsa characters

Some more salsa faces to meet, plus the ghosts of past…

The Rumba Sharks:

These guys take a page straight out of West Side Story in how they enter a room. They are near and dear to my heart. These are the fellas who have some mean rumba moves that remind you of our glorious African roots, whether in our blood or in the dance we love. They come onto the dance floor in a group. The DJ, sensing their presence, plays a salsa song with a heavy rumba intro. They spread out in a line, crouch down a little bit lower than the ballroom salseros and execute some “Cubans” with flair… Some of these guys are so damn good, you’ll swear you see a cigar in their mouths for a split second during a turn. Don’t question it. When you get to be that good of a dancer, you’re bound to conjure an orisha. Feel blessed you had them as a partner.

Other Dimension:

These are the dance partners who you’ve seen dance some mean dances with other partners, who know all the steps, shines and turns and leave their partner with a smile. When it comes to you though, nothing freaking works. You can’t catch the count together, turns go wrong, hands don’t meet in time- the two of you are like one huge cosmic collision. Each of you question each other’s dancing abilities, and yet… you swear they were good with so-and-so. My friends, don’t fight it. You’ve met someone who exists in a slightly other dimension than you.  Something is off with your vibrating string, or whatever it is that makes our on-2 souls tick. Most of the time you give up on them, and it’s a good idea lest some rip in the time-continuum happen because you two were never meant to touch. I have met some diligent Other Dimensions that insist on making it work.  Sometimes there is improvement, but you always know something is off.

The Fan:

Like a sports fanatic, these partners always wear something on-2 or salsa related. They speak, breath and live salsa. I know you think this is most of us who are crazy enough to write or read a series on salsa characters, but these guys go just a little further. Some don’t even dance! Like the guys painted up at a sports game, The Fan goes to the same extreme. Just know that sometimes it is an advertisement for a very good product, and sometimes, sigh, that don’t have the goods to back their billboard up.

The Jedi Master:

Taken from my one and only Jimmy Anton experience that I am still getting over, the Jedi Master is the male equivalent of Scissors. They have found the holy grail of dancing on-2, can predict the count before it comes (which is pretty pathetic for the rest of us, given that the count is in order, is 6 digits long and repeats over and over until the end of the song). Sometimes they are your teacher, but often not. They guide you like a gentle teacher, they give you tips. Sometimes they look like Yoda. Your only objective in a dance with them is to try and absorb some of their Jedi wisdom before the dance is over and they move onto another disciple. Sometimes they have individual Jedi names, like Obi-Wan-on2. Not to be confused with… some hood trying to jump you.

Scissors:

They arrive at a social close to midnight. They bring with them a familiar wind that whips across the dance floor to announce their presence. A swift snipping is emmitted from their legs, the sound of $10 spandex pants from Strawberry’s rubbing against itself in self-pleasure, the clip of a fine stiletto cutting through the air. What you are witnessing is an entity who inhabits the highest female realm of the on-2 scene. They are beyond the 1-2-3, 5,6,7 count, yet still, somehow dance on-2. The holiest among holies, those who have reached a type of on-2 Nirvana where they control the count and beat. Masters of the on-2 Universe! See Jedi Master for the salsero equivalent.

The Stripper:

The dancer who you think is a salsera… she does seem to count… who shines like a salsera… ok, ok, I just saw her do a Sussie-Q… but really when the dance is done, you realize you feel more like a used pole that’s been handled by a very naughty stripper. Ah, wake up you innocent salseros, if you really exist. Most dancing you are just that, a walking pole for a dame. I reserve this character for the ladies that trick you into dancing with them, when really they just wanted a nice little… rub. They can also be the ladies who do just that for a living (what interesting lives we all wear behind the on-2 mask). See Predator and The Tease for some cross-over traits. That being said, don’t be hating or judging. Stripping can be a very fine art.

The Performer:

These are the lasses and lads who believe they are constantly on stage. I don’t think there is anything wrong with this, necessarily, because I believe in letting people shine. BUT, the Performer becomes a salsa character if a partner is unknowingly trapped into a dance that is about a “me” and not a “we”. Lady offenders over-style, back-lead and choreograph their own dance. Male offenders leave a lady all alone as they over-style, over-turn, or lift a gal in the air expecting that she”ll know exactly what Star-Search move is supposed to come next (they usually get a scream instead). Sometimes performers are selling themselves desperately in hopes of being spotted for a dance team.

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I might have to start making Salsa Characters for Salsa PLACES as Bianca and I had a very traumatic experience at a place that shall forever be known as THE RETIREMENT HOME… Coming soon if we can get over it first and not offend people in reporting about it.

Ladies and gentleman. I think what we are amassing here is a Tarot Deck of Salsa Characters.  More to come.

Ghosts of Past

More salsa characters:

The Bulldozer

This is the guy who will knock you into every single couple in your dancing radius. Forgetting that leading is also spotting for the little top in heels that you are spinning left and right, Bulldozers will charge you through the dance floor without any control or regard for those around you. Identify them quick  and early on in a dance ladies, so you know to tighten your steps and focus on what’s around you. The dance will probably be lame because you won’t be free, but your objective in dancing with a Bulldozer is to finish the dance in one piece to move on to a Fred-Astaire. Bulldozers are cousins of Topsy-Turveys (keep reading).

Columbo

Salsa dancing is very much like wearing a mask over our every day lives. When we hit the dance floor, we are simply salseras and salseros. Sometimes though we wear evidence of our outside lives that our partners pick up on during a dance that make a person go, hmmmm…. The worn hands: hardened with callouses, dirt under the fingernails not from neglect but from labor, the scratches and scars. And the muscular arms that go with them. The t-shirt from a company or product. And sometimes it’s the work clothes and equipment you bring to the class or a social discarded in the corner. It brings out the Columbo in you, so we’ll call the salsera/os that inspire this Columbo. Some things are better left unasked. Enjoy the dance.

Shy-But-Why

These are the dancers who are diamonds in the rough. They have a salsa soul but doubt their Jedi powers. They come as leads and followers. If you spot one, it is your duty to guide them to the dance floor and help them overcome the cloud over their salsa brilliance.

Mambobot: Idea submitted by JPLogan. Oh it is painful how many of these there are… The salsa folk who dance like the letters off a class syllabus. They execute moves in exactly the same manner without individual flair. Unfortunately you’ll see plenty of this at the congresses. Not to be confused with, Have No Rhythm, Don’t Count, Don’t Care.

The Throwback: Whip out the toupee, 70’s bells, ruffled tux, and a pair of aviator shades. With low lights it’s hard to spot this aging Salsero. He’s probably been dancing since salsa’s birth, and has the entire Fania record collection at home. This doesn’t stop him from coming out at night, bless his dancing heart. One way to identify this character is to examine the smile he’ll flash you during a rumba move- those perfectly shaped shiny bright teeth are probably grandpa’s dentures.

The Leper: Anyone who has unidentified body odors, marks, or open wounds is a bio-hazard to a fellow dancer! Usually you discover the identity of this character way too late (like when the doctor is diagnosing you with some rare hand disease that is only transmitted from 3 minutes of palm-to-palm hand holding). It’s hard to be a salsa dancer in the age of swine flu. Perhaps that’s why we dance with dimmed lights.

The Tease: Submitted by JPLogan. Usually a female (sorry girls, but it’s true) but some men also play this game; this is the salsa dancer that will give you some major “I want you off the dance floor ” signals, but will leave you stone cold on the dance floor, laughing at you like a shrew. Categorizing someone with this name is very risky- sensual does not equal tease (it is dancing, after all). But if your dance partner whispers sweet nothings in your ear, unleashes heavy winks or gives you some x-ray vision stares across the dance floor, beware! This salsa character might leave your head spinning long after your turn patterns are over.

Narcissus: Let’s start with you, Narcissus, as you’re so easy to spot. You are the not-salsero who asks a girl to dance, but spends the entire time watching yourself dance in the mirror. You are fond of the side-step because it allows you to position yourself at an angle where your dance partner doesn’t obstruct your view of yourself in the looking glass. When you do remember you have a dance partner, it is only for a moment, because you adjust the girl’s grip on you as a queen would rearrange a diamond bracelet so that it better highlights her wrist.

Predator: As vulgar as the one in the movie, you don’t salsa to dance. You salsa to get a quick feel and three minutes of hand-holding. Your favorite target are the beginners, not so much because they are your choice; the more advanced girls don’t have to dance with you anymore. And besides, those girls already got your predator number. You come in all shapes, sizes, ethnicities, and ages. Guys, it’s less frustrating on all of us to just drop the money on a good lap dance at Hustler. They have a taxi stand right outside their doors to take you home when you’re done.

Frog to Prince Charming: Oh, you’re a delight! You are the guys whom most would least expect to be great dancers. Either because you’re no Fabio in your outer shell, you emit a rhythmless vibe off the dance floor, or you’re straight out of Revenge of the Nerds. When the clave sings, POOF! You bedazzle us with the smoothest moves, showing us, indeed, there is such thing as Clark Kent and Superman.

Romeo Don Juan: Ahh… you are dangerous. You have a mix of moves, sultry eyes, a sexy smile and good looks. Dancing with you is not just a dancing pleasure… it’s a woman’s fantasy. Your dancing plays a narrative in our minds. Don’t burst our bubble by opening your mouth or telling us of life off the dance floor. Keep counting with us, and next time, can you wear an all white linen suit and straw hat?

Fred Astaire: These are the salseros who are just outright dancing demons. Fred Astaires: All other categories you may fall under melt away because your dancing is that good. That’s what we think about during and after the dance. Fred Astaires can also be Frogs and (a very deadly combo) Romeo Don Juans.

Zorro: Who was that masked man? That’s what you’ll ask yourself if you should find yourself dancing with a mystery man who wow’s you during one dance (or evening of dancing), whom you never see again. You can spend the rest of your life going from social to social, wondering if you’ll ever see him again. He leaves you only with memories.

Rag Doll Boogier: These guys are pretty annoying. They are the ones that are just plain rough and uncouth. They throw you around the dance floor left and right, almost dislocating your arm from its socket. They are not gentle in any way, and forget that the woman should be the highlight of most of the dance. See also Predator, Topsy-Turvy, Borracho and Have no Rhythm-Don’t Count-Don’t Care.

Topsy-Turvey: These are the spinners! Most of the time these are the guys that like to spin YOU, and nothing more. Take a Dramamine, ladies, before taking their hands. Rarely though you’ll get ones that like to spin themselves mostly. In this case, brush up on some shines and women’s styling so you have something to do while they’re into the fourth triple turn.

Borracho: The drunk. You are almost automatically dismissed from most ladies’ dances, except when you mask it until it’s too late (for us). You are dangerous because like an octopus with many arms, in each move you have us do, you can be so many other characters. See Predator, Topsy-Turvy, Rag Doll Boogier, and Have No Rhythm-Don’t Count-Don’t Care. Being tipsy is fine. It’s just flat out dangerous to be drunk and salsa-ing.

I Really Despise Women, and That I’m Not a Woman: Just pretend while we dance.

Have No Rhythm, Don’t Count, Don’t Care: You best get off the social dance floor too. You can do your thing at parties and family events, and maybe even clubs. But don’t ask a real salsera to dance with you! I’m all for inventing your own salsa dancing if it is in synch with the music. Maybe you’re the next Eddie Torres for your own count. In this case, clarify this first with your dance partner (or at least make an attempt to work with her own feel of the music).  But don’t feel shuffling here and there constitutes salsa at salsa events with serious dancers.

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