Mission: Space
Wannabe Astronauts, Trekkies, and Nova-sympathizers, listen up: If you want the thrill of your life and don’t have millions of dollars or the balls for the real thing, Mission: Space should be your pilgrimage in life. It might very well be the closest thing you’ll have to a real space odyssey. A spiritually uplifting moment (to make up from the tears of joy shed on the Silver Golf Ball, to be blogged about soon) that I can only describe as a mind-f*ck if it wasn’t real and I didn’t really go to Mars. Mission: Space – continue reading …
Pilgrimage to the Silver Golf Ball
Thanks for the crickets, people. What happened to my petition to get me inside Disney World? Luckily Nova was strong willed enough to be able to drag C-mixto there. I was on a mission: 4.5 hours to hit the entire universe of Epcot, meet Mickey or Donald, eat cotton candy, and have a German beer and sausage. Here’s my Epcot adventure, minus some ride stories that deserve their own entry:
- Take public transportation to Disney World! For the cost of a NYC subway ride, we zoomed into Walt Disney Empire in 30 minutes with only 3 stops for only $2 freakin bucks. I don’t get Disney at the end of my subway ride back to Inwood.
- The estate of Walt Disney surrounding the actual Kingdom is set up like a military base. Endless highways with checkpoints, then a monorail system that takes you through a mysterious swamp ending God knows where. Sniper Mickey’s and Donalds, Disney character rejects and other strange things must lurk in those woods that escaped the demolition bullzoders and cement of Disney.
- Disney World uses geriatric labor and indentured immigrant labor to staff all those rides (and I mean global immigrant labor for each theme of its Epcot city). The bar maid in Germany’s Biergarten Restaurant had to be pushing at least 80.
- Speaking of the Biergarten, I was very happy with sausages and sauerkraut waving my frothy beer mug back and forth in the air to the sounds of cowbells, yodeling and the Ricola horn, until the crowd belted out in unison, “Hoi, hoi, hoi!”. Suddenly I felt a bit uneasy joining a blond haired, blue eyed crowd chanting in German in unison. I am very sorry I felt that way, but I suddenly felt the urge to leave.
- Disney scans your finger as you enter the park. When I asked why, they said “to avoid someone using your ticket”. I have some theories as to what other things they might be doing with your fingerprint…
- Be careful signing the liability form when you buy tickets. There is fine, fine print in there that pledges your first born child to Walt Disney. There is a reason why the robots on their rides look so real, why there is something demonic about “It’s a Small World”.
More on rides- but do any of you have Disney memories?
Grumpy McGrumpy Won’t Take Me to Disney World
I lied! I want Orlando bad! Someone tell C-mixto that he should share. I’ve traveled 1,074 miles and am stuck in the 3rd circle of Dante’s Inferno of Air Conditioning Hell (because I threw it there) attending work conferences while the sun is blazing a glorious 95 degrees with 100% humidity outside onto a pool that is screaming for me to come inside, in a hotel in Seaworld that is the splitting replica of the one Chevy Chase had a marital crisis in when taking his family to Walley World. Walley World! That’s where I am- a mecca for consumer happiness, entertainment and rides…
I want to see Mickey and buy some mouse ears! I want cotton candy and to see the demonic dolls sing in maddening cacophony, It’s a Small World After All, because still it rings in my ears 20 years later… Disney is a drug- a brainwashing homing device placed in all our American hearts, a surrogate parent that beacons you to return to it if you come too close. Start the petitions- we only have 1 day. Tell C-mixto to take me to Disney World!
Dear Orlando…
Dear Orlando:
Finally, I’ve reached you after how many years apart? You were once an object of fantasy- an unobtainable tease that left me wanting. I was such a young girl then, let’s be fair. So now that I am a full fledged woman, what do my eyes see with eyes sharpened by wisdom, a heart less naive? You are flashy, dear Orlando. Flashy beyond your swampy roots. Once I valued how hot you were; nights with you were steamy and free… your tropical ways were a delight. Now? The truth is you are chilly dear Orlando… chilly because most of us never get to feel the real you. That’s right, us. I know there were others. Many. And this distance is your fault too. Why have you constructed so many barriers around yourself? You have us peer from concrete pillars, high, encased and removed from the warm depths of your heart. How could I have been tricked by your majesty as a young girl? The Magical Kingdom promises, the role playing characters you liked to play, like the Mad Hatter with a trick of cards up his sleave. And did you ever make the journey to visit me? No! It was always about you- sending messages through your goofy friends like that short chap Donald. Dear Orlando, I think you might be played out. I’ve said it. The magic is over, I don’t want to wish upon your star. And with me gone from your life, with my absence, how quickly will you see how wrong you were, how vast the planet is without me, and that really it isn’t such a small world after all.
