Our Urban Odyssey » Dante’s Inferno

Dante’s Inferno: Ninth Circle- DC Comics Changing Wonder Woman

Nova — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 23:00:16 +0000

Dante’s Inferno here has been a little icey lately. Well the heat is back on since someone sent me a newspaper clipping of DC Comics doing away with Wonder Woman’s costume and history on her 69th birthday (those are paper years, not human ones).

Here is why DC Comics Changing Wonder Woman goes into Dante’s Inferno Ninth Circle of Hell reserved for Betrayal: Honestly, the most revolting gesture is a change in her history. Instead of queen of the Amazons, she’s going to get a Superman-like history of an extinguished planet. What?! Her costume will change from a sexy-American flag to black New York tights. What?!

Sigh… I was preparing a piece about Wonder Woman before this… based on the 1970’s TV shows that I’ve been studying lately (so good). Even though X-man artist icon Jim Lee (also Spawn) will be taking her on, I still say that the comic book gods need more scientific proof on String Theory and Alternate Universes before altering an iconic character like hers in such a way. The appeal of Wonder Woman is that a girl can feel she’s related to her. She’s our alter ego, she’s who we can’t be in the office, she’s a patriot, she’s a link to some real history (can’t a girl dream that she too, may be of the lost tribe of the Amazons?). She is, as Major Steve likes to say, “the best of femininity without the vice”. Ok, that’s the original Wonder Woman, and a man’s dream. But still. I guess I ought to try it out (failed to mention this article is like 2 months old and the change is probably already out). And I guess I can keep my own version of Woman alive in my head. One more thing that’s changing.

For now, DC Changing Wonder Woman can go into Dante’s Inferno, along with the Veronica-marrying Archie.

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Who knew? An anti-air conditioner book

Nova — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 23:02:37 +0000

Here at Our Urban Odyssey we’ve thrown air conditioners into Dante’s Inferno for similar reasons. Haven’t read this book, but happy to see one devoted to the topic.

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Dante’s Inferno, Perhaps Third Cirlce: The Gross Man

ouo — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 21:15:12 +0000

For those who don’t remember, the Dante’s Inferno series are reserved for rants and the literary banishment of those who offend Urban Odyssey bloggers. Watch out, because this post comes from the fury of Bianca. Only mildly censored so as not to ignite an internet riot.

“Dear God,
Why? Why I ask, why do certain people exist?

Picture it, a muggy Spring morning in late May. The 6:00am 2 train. Abnormally packed train for this early in the morning. Seating is limited. As I go into my usual morning trance during my 90 minute commute I am rudely interrupted by foul play. That foul play my friends is Body Odor. A 6′ 5″ inch male, approximately 40 years old, still rockin fubu hard as if they were ever cool or like they ever made anything of quality…or perhaps his Asian themed button down is a “Dragon Ball-Z” shirt. Nonetheless his shirt sucks. His jeans are visibly filthy and 2 inches too short. He is wearing crew cut socks (do they even make those anymore?) and his new balance sneakers look like his lawn mowing sneakers however somehow I doubt he has a lawn to mow. Too harsh? Well you try sitting down wind from this motherfucker standing over you with what I believe to be 2 days worth of underarm body odor. There is no escaping this. I tried plugging my nose, burying my face in my arm then my bag. Shallow breaths from my mouth did not do the trick. “Ding!” The train doors open after this 15 minute violation. He takes two steps toward what I believe will be my freedom to breath. NOPE sits right next to me. I thought for a moment the smell would die down since I was no longer right beneath his armpit. 5-4-3-2-NOPE.

A long day of work and running around on a hot day justifies why he might not be so fresh… but it is 6am.

What made him leave the house without a shower? A few swipes of deodorant? Some cheap cologne to mask this odor?
Time? No time was on his side because he had the time to put on his tarnished rhinestone bracelet that looks like some shit from an old lady’s garage sale that he probably got for a steal still pondering the possibility that it could be real.
The gentleman enjoyed several games on his iPhone and bopped to the beat of whatever music he appeared to be too old to be listening too.

“Ding!” He gets off at 125th in Harlem which allows me to drawn one conclusion for a man not dressed for work traveling this early. Off to the DMV to stand in line to pay off his 64 parking tickets for his car that he has found himself behind 5 months on his car note because he couldn’t afford it o begin with. It was either this or jail time.

So God I ask you why. Why does this human exist? What purpose does he have on this earth? Answer me this.

Sincerely violated,

Bianca”

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Dante’s Inferno- Eighth Circle, Bolgia 7: Restaurants Charging $2.50 for tea

Nova — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 00:32:36 +0000

Do only city establishments get away with such thievery? Or is this a well-shared sin? If you are charging more than a dollar for a cup of tea at your restaurant, then the customer should reasonably expect a certain amount of pomp and circumstance surrounding it. This means, above all else, do not serve the customer a cup of hot water with a not even-open Lipton tea bag. The thievery! The lack of respect to the customer’s palate! Once you pass the dollar amount, tea ought to be served in an elegant tea pot with some ceremony to convince the customer there is an additional $1.50 of effort in there. Don’t condemn yourselves into the Eight Circle, tea bag sinners. There’s nibbling lizards and snakes in there. Stop ripping us off.

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Grumpy McGrumpy Won’t Take Me to Disney World

Nova — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 03:17:21 +0000

I lied! I want Orlando bad! Someone tell C-mixto that he should share. I’ve traveled 1,074 miles and am stuck in the 3rd circle of Dante’s Inferno of Air Conditioning Hell (because I threw it there) attending work conferences while the sun is blazing a glorious 95 degrees with 100% humidity outside onto a pool that is screaming for me to come inside, in a hotel in Seaworld that is the splitting replica of the one Chevy Chase had a marital crisis in when taking his family to Walley World. Walley World! That’s where I am- a mecca for consumer happiness, entertainment and rides…

I want to see Mickey and buy some mouse ears! I want cotton candy and to see the demonic dolls sing in maddening cacophony, It’s a Small World After All, because still it rings in my ears 20 years later… Disney is a drug- a brainwashing homing device placed in all our American hearts, a surrogate parent that beacons you to return to it if you come too close. Start the petitions- we only have 1 day. Tell C-mixto to take me to Disney World!

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Dante’s Inferno, 8th Circle, Bolgia 9: Broken MTA announcement systems

Nova — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 02:02:43 +0000

“Sowers of discord” are placed in this circle of Dante’s Inferno, and who’s going to argue that those shrieking gargles we often hear on the subway or the platform do not perform such a function? In with air-conditioning you go, broken MTA announcement systems, and here’s why: when you’re broken, and broken real good as you often are, every minute or so we have to hear horrible scratchy blaring screams from subway speakers that are supposed to be in English, but are actually a high frequency form of alien language that must be meant to make your ears bleed. We’re already pissed we have to go to work, the caffeine has already got us jittery. We need to also listen to a cacophony worthy of the late X-Man Banshee?

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Dante’s Inferno, Third Circle: Air Conditioning

Nova — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 14:10:09 +0000

It’s that time of year, when the sun hits the earth more directly because we’re tilted closer to its ball of fire, giving us summer. For most of humanity’s history this has meant when it’s the warmest, we sweat, we are comfortable in just our bare skins. But because of a horrible monstrosity of an invention, it means the time of the year I freeze. Air conditioning! You brutal, cruel, unnatural beast! You are responsible for your part in global warming, for icey fingers that can’t type in the office, bad postures at cafes and trains because I’m always slouched in a self-embracing curl to warm myself in the arctic temperatures your warm-aphobic inventors instilled in you. Wear sweaters, you say? They don’t work. That’s how evil the chill of air conditioning is. It seeps through fabric, numbs the bones. And what’s the point of having summer if I have to dress like an eskimo all year long? So down to the third circle of Dante’s Inferno you go, air conditioning, with the gluttons in freezing rain, slush, and snow. May the flames you endure there finally restore our summers.

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Dante’s Inferno, Fourth Circle: (Most) Yellow Cabs and Non-local gypsy cabs

Nova — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 03:49:41 +0000

I am pretty sure in Dante’s Inferno, the banished were allotted room for redemption. So join Beatrice and sing for these groups:

A special place is reserved for some members of two groups that manage to always make Nova go to the verge of supernova status (big difference between the two). That would be the majority of yellow cabs and non-local cabs that troll around neighborhoods that aren’t their turf. Why such harsh words for you? Let’s start with the hornets:

F*ck you for not wanting to go past 125th street, and forcing me to hail you on the downtown lane to trap you into going uptown.
Once in your vehicle, screw you for either:

kicking me out because you don’t want to go uptown.
sucking your teeth, cursing in [insert language], being disgruntled and driving angry for the entire ride up.
abandoning me midway pretending the car broke down.
here’s where Nova becomes Supernova: demanding a $5-10 tip for “going this far up”.

While you’re busy screwing yourself, study a f*cking map of NY and accept that Inwood is in Manhattan and not the Bronx so NO you can’t charge me Bronx fees from the airport.

I wish you no harm, but do hope you enjoy your way back to the highway passing through a Latin neighborhood (that you find so scary).

Now for the Lincoln Town Cars: Let’s first clarify who I’m NOT talking about. I’m NOT talking about the cab service companies that have bases in the neighborhoods they drive in (or take customers to). These car service companies are a pleasure, and I’ll take them over a yellow cab ANY DAY and DO. I will even wait for you for twenty minutes to avoid a yellow cab and get a spacey car, and darling driver who is also a DJ as he plays music to your taste, needs no direction to your house and charges you fairly.

Here’s who DOES get thrown into the fourth circle. Non-local cabs that aren’t rooted in the neighborhood, who don’t know where the f*ck they are going, charge you much more than local cabs, are prejudice, and treat you like street garbage. So you 718#s, you non-WaHI zip code guys- don’t be in our streets if you really don’t want to be here and don’t want to take the local rate.

You bring out the worst in Nova. I gotta work on this, I know. But even if I learn how to better handle you, it doesn’t mean you don’t need some time pushing rocks in the fourth circle.

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Dante’s Inferno, Ninth Circle: Archie

Nova — Sat, 30 May 2009 12:30:08 +0000

Archie was the fluff of my comic book library. The girl in me came out to balance my X-men, Excalibur, etc…

So word has it that Archie will propose to Veronica. And I say screw you Archie of Riverdale.

Let this be slightly off topic, but the fires of Dante’s called for Archie to be thrown in. Now this is just media hype- Archie’s gang will always be timeless, the gals forever stuck as sixteen year olds with some mean C cups and seventies fashion swagger. This might not all play out. But Archie, here is your life if you marry Veronica in my little crystal ball: you will be p*ssy-whipped with a father-in-law complex, you will scramble to make up for the money and class you will never have, Veronica will be f*cking her yacht boys as she vacations on her own in the Mediterranean. Betty will be scarred by lost love, will realize the time she wasted in chasing a man (never do this. never) and move on as a fierce woman who you’ll lust, long and lament for as you realize that you were bedazzled by an ice-queen.

Now I’m not hating on Veronica. She has sense to play the field. But she lost points by being a hater on Betty. Betty, get over carrot-top. Let it be stated how couples who the entire world rallies against sometimes create very beautiful lives that work for them. Archie and Veronica might make a lovely couple. One never knows. But…

Freeze with your neck up to ice in the ninth circle, Archie.

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Dante’s Inferno, Eighth Circle: Plagiarizers

Nova — Thu, 21 May 2009 21:50:35 +0000

The fact that it’s taken this long for you to see the first of this series is testimony to great restraint on my part. I cannot tell you my grave disappointment when Cy told me that wrath is considered one of the seven deadly sins.

We enjoy an “Ode to…” series, but you know very well that there are two sides to a coin, the universe has a ying AND a yang, etc, etc. So, Urban Odyssey bloggers, if there is a heaven that we many occasionally enjoy here, then let this entry welcome you to hell.

The first to be thrown into a circle of my Dante’s Inferno are the (perhaps) not yet manifest, the faceless shadows that crawl throughout the web, lurk in between html code and steal the crumbs of artists’ work. Yes, I’m talking about you, plagiarizers, should this entry echo into your odious caves. How you can live your life on other’s people’s light and not polish your own is a burden I never wish to know. Be inspired by others, admire what’s good, source your inspiration (there aint nothing new under the sun, as the saying goes). Do not steal.

Thanks JPLogan for sending the Mauren Dowd story to remind me of this unfortunate reality relevant to blogging. It’s understandable to sometimes confuse an original thought with something you heard (which might have been the case for her-I’m not exploring that story), and attribute its origins as a creative echo from your cerebral well. Just be humble and transparent about origins when it’s appropriate, remembered and humanly possible. Do you really want to be continuously bitten by snakes and lizards-what Dante reports about this particular area of hell?

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