Currently browsing 'salsa'
The Humiliation Factor
There are bound to be countless parallels, metaphors, witty essays and insightful observations about how writing is like ___________ (fill in the blank). Salsa addicts (or fill-in-the-blank addicts) will compare their interest to everything under the sun, too, to rationalize why it is they are doing what they do: it’s a live-saver, a spiritual fulfillment, a chance to meet people, a reason not to pull the trigger… Art and expression play different roles for each of us who welcome it into our lives (and who perhaps later damn that we ever gave it an invitation).
So here’s my corny bit about why writing and salsa compliment each other, but you can fill in the blanks for your hobbies, dreams or interests: salsa is a very good training camp for writers getting their toes wet in the world of marketing and publication. Salsa humbles you because, you will be humiliated. Probably harsh a term, but at first it’ll feel like that. You will look awkward, you will be judged, you might not get offers… Honestly, if you need a boot-camp for tougher skin (or an accelerator for a nervous breakdown) then take salsa on-2. Then write, and try to publish your book. Writing itself sounds romantic. You do it solo, you paint worlds with words with cerebral coolness, and in the end, if you stuck it out, you might have a short story or novel. Practicing shines by yourself in front of a mirror is like that too. But if you want to partner your work with the rest of the world…. well, there are layers of odysseys that await you. Want to use my capital to share your story? Want to spend three minutes of my time in front of a crowd holding my hand and twisting me into a pretzel? Some zip through it, others chug along, never getting past their basic.
The great thing about social dancing salsa that makes it very different from the experience of writing novel-length literary fiction? It is in the NOW. There, in that moment is your expression. It goes by quick, it doesn’t linger like a sentence, page or chapter that constantly needs revision. It moves on, though you might create a memory (or salsa character) out of it. Opportunities seem endless. You scripted your own dance, you shared it with an audience in a proper format, and then you look to do another. A story and its expression in 3 minutes! How great is that? Probably best of all? It aint fiction.
When Your Salsa Shoes Catch Fire
I was buffing the bottoms of my salsa shoes after a night of dancing when (I kid you not), a spark flew out from where the metal bristles touched the sole. I’VE MADE SALSA FIRE, I thought! I’ve tapped into some type of alchemical formula that’ll make me a Scissor! (On a more logical note, what on earth are they coating the floors with at some socials?)
You can go to a serious salsa website for some solid advice- but here are two things that they might not tell you: There is a science to finding the little red shoes that’ll take you to… ok, not Kansas…let’s say take you through a pleasant salsa odyssey. For us girls, doing it right means fighting the little X chromosome demon that would have us select a shoe based solely on its beauty. Yes, salseras, like most things in life, you need to go a little bit deeper and the first word of caution is don’t go for stilts. Remember what your goal is here first-most: to dance. Salsa heel heights should be approached in intervals. At the same time, it’s salsa. You gotta look good. So don’t go for Dutch clogs. Salsa is also a lesson in sexing up your image (and movements off the dance floor).
Gripping: Balancing while doing grated steps and elegant triple turns means you need to glide and stick. Make sure you regularly scrape the alchemical dust off the bottom of your shoe once and awhile or you just might wind up setting the place on salsa fire, because apparently the floors are coated with fairy dust. Oh, they also say to go for a snug size…
IMAGE and BALANCE… Dorothy will have nothing on you.
The Ever-expanding MARVELous Salsa Character Universe
Here we go… welcome to the club, you salsa characters:
The Faucet (idea submitted by Zorro): Let’s face it. All true salseros and salseras are this character to some degree. The Faucet is that dancer that drowns you with their sweat throughout the entire three-minute entanglement. They are easy to spot: their skin is shiny; some of them (being self-aware of who they are) will have a towel knotted around their belt-loop; they are slippery to the touch; some may come with a slight odor (though dance sweat does not have to be this way). And if all these signals fail to present themselves to you, then the absolute telling way to know you have just danced with a faucet is… are you wet? Do you feel like you’ve just passed through Niagra Falls? For you prudes, here is how you get over a Faucet: embrace that what you are doing is a having a somatic conversation with another human being. You are tapping into another way of dialogue. It can be disgusting, it can mean nothing, or it can be like hot sex. Take your pick. The only way to beat being a Faucet is bringing a towel and change of shirt. Or offering a towel to one who hasn’t been enlightened as to what salsa character they are. If you could care less about your partner, then guys, consider this: being a Faucet can be a gateway drug into becoming…
Butterfingers: It’s as if these guys took a bath in oil before going out to dance purposely so that you can never lock hands. See a girl suddenly fly across the room without a partner crashing into the wall after taking out another couple? Look carefully for the single guy staring, without guilt, alone… chances are he’s a Butterfingers who sent this salsera into orbit. Even if you are a Wolverine or Wolfsbane who locks his or her claws into him, aint nothing gonna make you stick. Much like dancing with an Other Dimension, it’s like these guys have a magnetic field around them that repels you violently when you approach. Sometimes it is a temporary status from being a Faucet, and a good towel-down can liberate you from the follies of being this salsa character.
The Con Idea submitted by Bianca: They come in both sexes. Let’s start with the salsero. Much like his cousin, 
The Fan, the con-man gives airs that he is an orisha’s gift to salsa. He’ll have an on-2 shirt, or perhaps a Don Juan suit (or the mystery-man hat that adds swagger to his his 2-stomps). He’ll boast shirts from every single salsa congress that passed his way or he journeyed to. But when it comes down to dancing, this guy turns out to be selling snake oil. Can’t find his ones or twos, never mind the three, five, six, seven. Sigh… why, why, why did you trick me you charlatan! Perhaps he means well, he really does love salsa… he’d just do the salsa universe well by remaining a Fan. How to spot a Con-Woman… well we usually look like hot-little things oozing salsa-exuality… Until you try dancing with us. Tsk, tsk to those who have been conned. Who told you to fall into Latin stereotypes?
The Crab: Side-step, side-step, shuffle, shuffle, shuffle… These are all the steps you need to know for that salsero who leads you horizontally back and forth across the dance floor for a full three minutes (Lord help you if it’s an elongated remix). This happens mostly with (what’s now called) Street Salsa. If only the Crab could merge with a Treadmill, his salsa would be a symphony.
The Treadmill: The treadmill is the salsero who blandly, boringly, tortuously, and agonizingly leads you through a dance doing nothing but a basic step. Three minutes becomes three hours. Dancing becomes hand-holding as you shuffle back and forth. 
Ladies, make the most of it! Burn those calories and tone those muscles as you would on a treadmill. Pointless stepping that gets you nowhere and nothing. Your only tool against this villain is to squeeze some ladies styling in between the numbers, and unless he has a lock on you, liberate yourself from this metronome and break out in shines.
Robin Hood: I am guilty of being this character at times… A Robin Hood goes around the dance floor offering charity dances to the Shy-But-Whys and sometimes (undeservedly) to Have No Rhythm, Don’t Count, Don’t Care’s. Robin Hoods do this for a number of reasons: they are on the clock (aka, salsa teachers), they feel bad for people, they believe everyone deserves a good time, they like to sample anything that walks the earth, or they really can’t stand seeing…
Wallpaper: Sigh… my heart goes out to these salseros. You’ve probably never, ever 
noticed them, because, well, they’re wallpaper. They perpetually stand on the periphery of the dance floor and are either: too cool to dance, are so f*cking afraid to ask a girl or guy to dance, or can read but can’t write (meaning they can do a class pattern with no problem but can’t bring those skills to spontaneously dance at a social). These guys have superhuman powers of camouflage- it doesn’t matter which social they bring themselves to, they will assume the exact coloration of the walls and be ignored by every passing salsera. If you mourn that you are such a character, pray, Wallpaper, that a Robin Hood spots you.
Wolverine: Have scratch marks all over your arms, hands and torso? You’ve just danced with a Wolverine or Wolfsbane. Get these dancers a nail filer and nail clipper before they do any more damage. Nails may work for strumming your guitar or looking cute, but they don’t work on the dance floor.
Mr. Fantastic: That’s from the Fantastic Four, you non-nerds, and this salsero does
such amazing things with his arms. He can stretch them (and you) into a pretzel, and successfully twirl you out of it. These guys are usually Fred Astaires and if you’ve only had him only once, a Zorro. Their unbelievable turn patterns that defy human logic and physics are tell-tale signs you’re with a Mr. Fantastic, which is not to be confused with…
Doctor Octopus: Brother of the Predator and the bad cousin of Mr. Fantastic, these guys are all arms that do nothing but annoy you. They flap them like chickens, grope you left and right, smack you around… none of it materializing into a turn pattern. A self-help tip: make lemonade from lemons and find a Mr. Fantastic to help you nurture your arm talents into something useful.
Ok, I better stop. So much for writing today…
If you’ve never read salsa characters before… oh, there’s more. Click here for ghosts of past.
When the Holy (Salsa) Spirit Leaves You… And Returns
Bianca and Nova have been in a bit of a salsa rut this past month. Not so much in sucking, but low in the spirit that beckons you to the dance floor and takes over your body with a partner. Which reminds me of Star Trek, The Next Generation Episode 166 when Doctor Crusher was regularly visited by an alien ghost that entered her body, and well, did delightful things to her from the inside out. But I digress slightly off topic.
The Holy Salsa Spirit had left us and I was prepared to lodge a complaint in the lost and found department of salsa dancing or go to a salsa church, consult the salsa priest, or perhaps consider giving up some of it (to an addict that means trimming down from three classes to one, plus going out once a week instead of maybe three), and whine here on this blog.
BUT THE HOLY SALSA SPIRIT HATH RETURNED. When the Holy (Salsa) Spirit Leaves You… And Returns – continue reading …
And the list keeps growing… more salsa characters
Some more salsa faces to meet, plus the ghosts of past…
The Rumba Sharks:
These guys take a page straight out of West Side Story in how they enter a room. They are near and dear to my heart. These are the fellas who have some mean rumba moves that remind you of our glorious African roots, whether in our blood or in the dance we love. They come onto the dance floor in a group. The DJ, sensing their presence, plays a salsa song with a heavy rumba intro. They spread out in a line, crouch down a little bit lower than the ballroom salseros and execute some “Cubans” with flair… Some of these guys are so damn good, you’ll swear you see a cigar in their mouths for a split second during a turn. Don’t question it. When you get to be that good of a dancer, you’re bound to conjure an orisha. Feel blessed you had them as a partner.
Other Dimension: 
These are the dance partners who you’ve seen dance some mean dances with other partners, who know all the steps, shines and turns and leave their partner with a smile. When it comes to you though, nothing freaking works. You can’t catch the count together, turns go wrong, hands don’t meet in time- the two of you are like one huge cosmic collision. Each of you question each other’s dancing abilities, and yet… you swear they were good with so-and-so. My friends, don’t fight it. You’ve met someone who exists in a slightly other dimension than you. Something is off with your vibrating string, or whatever it is that makes our on-2 souls tick. Most of the time you give up on them, and it’s a good idea lest some rip in the time-continuum happen because you two were never meant to touch. I have met some diligent Other Dimensions that insist on making it work. Sometimes there is improvement, but you always know something is off.
The Fan:
Like a sports fanatic, these partners always wear something on-2 or salsa related. They speak, breath and live salsa. I know you think this is most of us who are crazy enough to write or read a series on salsa characters, but these guys go just a little further. Some don’t even dance! Like the guys painted up at a sports game, The Fan goes to the same extreme. Just know that sometimes it is an advertisement for a very good product, and sometimes, sigh, that don’t have the goods to back their billboard up.
The Jedi Master:
Taken from my one and only Jimmy Anton experience that I am still getting over, the Jedi Master is the male equivalent of Scissors. They have found the holy grail of dancing on-2, can predict the count before it comes (which is pretty pathetic for the rest of us, given that the count is in order, is 6 digits long and repeats over and over until the end of the song). Sometimes they are your teacher, but often not. They guide you like a gentle teacher, they give you tips. Sometimes they look like Yoda. Your only objective in a dance with them is to try and absorb some of their Jedi wisdom before the dance is over and they move onto another disciple. Sometimes they have individual Jedi names, like Obi-Wan-on2. Not to be confused with… some hood trying to jump you. And the list keeps growing… more salsa characters – continue reading …
The real Godfather of the PR Day Parade
Inwood, Manhattan, NYC 2010
This little grandpa doesn’t let age stop his Schwinn Bike Club need. He rolls around Inwood in his PR-pimped quadricycle blasting salsa classics and tooting a horn.
Darwinian Salsa
A little over a year ago, two unknowing souls embarked upon a journey into a universe whose name they thought was salsa. To the surprise of the two naive girls, that universe turned out to be prism of multi-verses. An innocent journey of couple’s dancing suddenly became an adventure down a rabbit hole.
Some universes are ruled by 1 dimension. The one that Bianca and Nova stumbled upon was on-2. They are still trying to figure out if its a hospitable place for them, or if they have been tricked into a heartless black hole.
Salsa on-2 seems to follow some type of weird evolutionary process. It’s evident as you pass by the different planets, with their abundance of species (The Topsy-Turveys, the Fred Astaires, etc, etc). But Bianca and Nova have recently stumbled upon something startling, something that goes a little further than “salsa characters”. It’s Darwinian Salsa. And there exists the Nietzschean “Superman”. Darwinian Salsa – continue reading …
Medical Insurance for Salseras
There are certain hazards associated with dancing, and some particular ones that afflict the mambo dancer. As a follower, here are some medical claims we often have to file against some leaders:
- head concussions from being wonked on the head by an elbow. Usually when the guy is learning a new turn pattern.
- bruised toes, when heavy, manly shoes step forcefully down on bare, feminine feet in stilettos.
- black eyes again from those chaotic elbows
- perpetual threat of dislocated shoulders from the whip or windmill
- perpetual threat of a broken wrist or arm from just about any turn
- olfactory distress from constant exposure to body odor
- chaffed hands from excessive need to use hand sanitizer (when you practice “safe-salsa”).
- pulled hair (when it gets caught on a watch)
- scratched hands (when a turns go wrong)
- body bruises in general if you have the misfortune of being dropped, slammed into a mirror or nearby couple
Miss anything? How about complaints from the Salsero end?
Watch out WaHI, I’m starting a Schwinn Bike Club
What’s a Nova to do. Can’t drive a car. Can’t ride a motorcycle… Live in the North Pole of Manhattan and it’s tricky to move around….
I’ll start a Schwinn Bike Club.
I’ve seen one old school PR blessing the streets with his pimped out tricycle so I know there are some people up here who’ll understand. Perhaps I can start an on-2 cult up here if I blast salsa from its trunk.
Perhaps I am delirious from the first days of Spring and I’ve been sniffing too many Easter Hyacinths. But it’s that or I join a motorcycle gang.
Salsa Characters
More salsa characters:
The Bulldozer
This is the guy who will knock you into every single couple in your dancing radius. Forgetting that leading is also spotting for the little top in heels that you are spinning left and right, Bulldozers will charge you through the dance floor without any control or regard for those around you. Identify them quick and early on in a dance ladies, so you know to tighten your steps and focus on what’s around you. The dance will probably be lame because you won’t be free, but your objective in dancing with a Bulldozer is to finish the dance in one piece to move on to a Fred-Astaire. Bulldozers are cousins of Topsy-Turveys (keep reading).
Columbo
Salsa dancing is very much like wearing a mask over our every day lives. When we hit the dance floor, we are simply salseras and salseros. Sometimes though we wear evidence of our outside lives that our partners pick up on during a dance that make a person go, hmmmm…. The worn hands: hardened with callouses, dirt under the fingernails not from neglect but from labor, the scratches and scars. And the muscular arms that go with them. The t-shirt from a company or product. And sometimes it’s the work clothes and equipment you bring to the class or a social discarded in the corner. It brings out the Columbo in you, so we’ll call the salsera/os that inspire this Columbo. Some things are better left unasked. Enjoy the dance.
Shy-But-Why
These are the dancers who are diamonds in the rough. They have a salsa soul but doubt their Jedi powers. They come as leads and followers. If you spot one, it is your duty to guide them to the dance floor and help them overcome the cloud over their salsa brilliance.
Ghosts of Past: Salsa Characters – continue reading …
